My husband blames me for everything wrong in his life.
In this blog post, I’ll give some answers and tips to the constant worry many women have: my husband blames me for his unhappiness.
What should I do?
In fact, what do you do when your spouse blames you for everything, and this situation seems to go on forever?
Why does my husband blame me for his mistakes?
Should you try to fix your marriage or abandon it?
Why are you unhappy with your husband? Who is to blame? Should I worry and seek medical help?
I Want My Husband to Be Happy, But He’s Not
I recall a string of conversations I had with a lovely lady confronting this major problem: her marriage not working anymore…
I’ve saved some fragments of this enticing exchange of replies, and here are the most important parts.
Of course, there is a natural degree of extra writing as I cannot reproduce, word by word, what I was speaking and/or commenting on a few years ago. However, the substance that matters is here:
“So I let him. I try to be independent, but what I’m really doing is trying to keep him from being separated. I feel like a captive in my own home. It can be very lonely. This can cause us to fight over petty stuff, and he can think that I don’t care about him and his feelings. This can damage our marriage. Is this bad? I don’t want to sound like a broken record, but I can’t help it. What is the right thing to do?“
This isn’t a question that could simply be answered in a vacuum.
This is a situation that came up with a lot of couples and is widespread.
There is no right or wrong ex nihilo answer, but there are some tips that you might want to try.
It’s common for the wives to want to stay in the house and struggle to be independent.
The husbands don’t seem to enjoy this.
So, sometimes you’ll need to try to find a middle ground.
I will tell you some things that I’ve found to help wives cope with husbands who want to be there every second or third night.
I am just trying to offer tips and suggestions.
I have been married for 40 years and have been a full-time stay-at-home mom for 18 of those years.
I can tell you from my own experience that being a full-time stay-at-home mom can be pretty lonely.
So, many wives are looking for any way possible to be independent and have some time and space.
That space helps.
But, it doesn’t mean that you want to have no time at all.
I believe that it’s better to make it possible for the two of you to have time together than just to be drifting along in a sea of loneliness.
Wives have to try to be clear with their husbands.
They have to tell them how much they care.
They have to be upfront and tell him that they aren’t going to nag or argue.
And they have to listen when he talks about his concerns, and they have to try to understand them.
What they have to do is remind themselves of a few things.
- He is your husband. This isn’t an all-female competition. They aren’t his property. It’s not their problem if he feels neglected or unhappy. It’s for him to deal with. The idea isn’t for him to always be the last on his toes. The idea is that they have their own lives too.
- Don’t write him off. Don’t think that he’s not good enough for you. That is not his problem. Neither is looking for validation or approval. It’s for him to deal with.
- Don’t dwell for too long on what might have been. There may have been a time when you weren’t so interested in your partner. Perhaps he was just another divorced person that you passed over. That’s not his problem. He’s entitled to his own life. The idea is that you’re there to support him in what he wants to do. If it’s not what you want, then it’s not his problem. It’s yours for the taking.
So all three of these could be true.
What you’re going to want to try and do is take each one in turn.
You can do that by constantly reminding yourself of the following.
This helps because it will remind you why you care so much about your partner’s happiness, in case you’re wondering if your marriage would be worth it saving.
What was it that decisively made you fall in love with him?
You must take stock of that again, even after you have kids.
Your parents lived together in the same house, right?
If your own parents divorced when you were small, did it stop you from caring about them?
No. It helped you manage.
Your parents are still your parents. They’re still important.
But your love for them is tempered by the fact that they are your parents. Same with your husband.
Did your parents or friends ever tell you that you were flawed?
Or told you you were selfish or told you you were not good enough for him?
If so, it might be easier to ignore those words.
But, if you have the chance to talk to him about those things, show him how important he is to you.
Let him know (and repeat it to him) that you care about him and want him to be happy.
That’s a good thing. It’s a positive thing.
Why is your husband blaming you for his unhappiness?
But, as I said, if you’re having trouble with this, I recommend having a quiet conversation about it.
Don’t come right out and hurriedly tell him that you want him to be happy, but you can suggest that things could be better and have a conversation about it.
(I’m excluding the cases of damaged mental or abnormal health domestic violence that should direct you to a family therapist or the police).
This is what you want.
Of course, you already know that people blame others, sometimes for everything, and if you have an emotionally abusive husband, you need to learn to confront it.
But it helps if you’re both calm and relaxed about this.
Remember one imperative thing: You don’t have to do this alone.
Your partner can be your sounding board, as they often are.
But it’s his happiness that you want.
And, if he has kids, then the whole reason you’re together is so they can be happy.
Together, you’re fortunate, and you’re stronger, not weaker (if you’re interested in another blog post of mine, about love and emotional words, click the link)
Another case. The art of placing blame. Why my ex blames me for everything.
In general, I don’t want to impose on my husband, but I know that this is hard for him and not a good idea.
This is becoming less and less a good idea as time goes on, and I can be independent more and more.
He complains that he doesn’t want to live with a housewife.
He doesn’t like this.
He complains that he doesn’t want to live with a housewife (an interesting article is here).
He never talks about making me feel like I’m a prisoner in my own home.
In my job, I am not home all day.
Sometimes, I come home at night exhausted, lonely, and upset. Well, I don’t think it is anything wrong with it.
I know that this hurts him and sometimes makes him want to stop communicating with me.
Still, I try to push back.
I see that, at least for now, I can keep him busy.
He sees that I am coping and that I am making progress.
I guess that I’m hoping that he will know that I can make it without him and that this will improve things so that he will be more receptive to me.
But he is increasingly not receptive to me.
Unfortunately, my husband blames me for his unhappiness. He is increasingly angry, not with me so much as he is, with a vague sense that I’m not going to make him feel better.
I don’t know how to fix this.
He is resistant to me not making demands and demands for how I want him to act.
He would much rather I leave and go about my life.
I don’t want to just leave (more advice here).
What is it called when someone blames you for something you didn’t do
I want to keep a husband telling me that he misses me and wants to support me and keep our marriage going.
I know that he has it out because he tells me that he does.
But I wish for him to show me this to just take this as a demand.
I am trying to do my best to not let this feel like a demand.
I do not want to assume that this is a demand.
But I’m afraid to ignore it because of what he has told me.
How do I handle this?
Should I just take this as a suggestion that he wants to be away and not a demand?
Or do I confront him about it?
Because I’m getting the impression that he doesn’t want me to be here so much.
I don’t want to be here forever, so I’m thinking it may be “a bit of both.”
My answer would be…
I’ll try to address these concerns.
It is fair to assume that you are looking at some type of separation, trial separation, or divorce.
And there are many obvious reasons why people choose to pursue this.
It could be that there are serious problems that are going unresolved or that are not being handled as they should be.
It could be that you feel as though your husband has not been making changes or improvements that you would like to see.
Or, it could be that there are several certain things that your husband has done or said that have hurt your feelings that he is trying to “sweep under the rug” or to avoid you talking about.
Cases of emotional abuse or emotionally abusive behavior need to be dealt with separately (read here about two interesting cases of two unhappy wives).
Multiple valid answers…
To be honest, there are very valid reasons for wanting to separate or for wanting to take some time to evaluate where your marriage is and where it is going.
I often tell people that one of the reasons people get married is because they feel like they need to be there forever.
Now that they are married, they don’t feel like they need to be there forever.
And, you likely feel the same way.
We all want to save our marriages.
We all want to put the problems behind us, and we all want to feel as though the marriage we now have is the one that we’ll always have.
But, you might be questioning how you’re going to accomplish this when you feel as though the person that your husband loved has become the other person.
And sometimes, your husband is trying to remove you from your minds or your heart just so that he can begin to feel “comfortable” with himself.
I understand this, and I sympathize with you.
This looks a bit like a double-edged sword.
On the one hand, it is a blessing that your husband is taking responsibility for some of the things he has done that have hurt you.
It is a bit of a blow when he is trying to avoid you just so that he can begin to feel “comfortable” with himself.
But on the other hand, this is a dangerous place to be.
This can be false comfort.
You can begin to put too much stock in these changes.
Your partner can start to feel that he is better off without you than with you.
And this is precisely what he is trying to avoid.
As a wife, I understand that I have to be careful here, when dealing with the “my husband blames me for his unhappiness” problems.
I’ve been there myself.
I remember the hurt, I remember the lack of trust, and I remember the pain.
And as I said earlier, I’ve been there before.
But I also know that I have to move on and to trust again.
What is a blamer personality? Do I need to see a mental health professional?
And I have to remind myself that this is what I want, and I have to keep reminding myself that I have to find a way to begin to put more trust in myself than I have to place more blame on my husband.
Because unfortunately, he is still with me, and he still has flaws. But I am much better than what I had been, and I’m better than what I would become if I allow myself to place blame or place myself over him.
Right now, I’m doing the latter.
I’ve learned that you can’t let things go without taking responsibility for them.
What to do when your partner blames you for everything. Have you tried sex?
So I’m not letting the sex go.
And I’m using it as a way to remind myself of what I want out of the marriage.
And I’m applying it so that I can make my conjugality better.
And I’m using it to remind myself of who I want my husband to be.
But in the future, I won’t be taking the blame.
I won’t be placing the blame for my lack of trust in my husband on him.
In fact, I won’t be placing it on him at all.
I will be taking the blame for my lack of trust in my own head.
And then, I will be putting it on my husband as the man I know he can be.
I will be writing him a thorough letter, as my mother once advised me to do.
That was my mother’s advice.
She said that women have to understand their husbands’ strengths and weaknesses, and what they really want is getting out as fast as possible of the marriage.
Then she must be a woman who knows what her husband wants out of a relationship and then makes him the man he can be.
So that’s what I will be doing if it would clearly look to me that my husband blames me for his unhappiness, for everything wrong in his professional life…
And I’m putting my trust in myself so that my confidence in my husband will grow and increase and not fall into the old habits.
To not blame my husband, I have to remember what he wants out of the relationship.
I remember what my husband wants out of a relationship.
And I have to listen to that because it’s his, it’s what he wants out of a relationship, and I need to give it to him.
Not put it on his feet, not on his face, not on his heart, but put it on his foot.
That’s what my mother told me.
And then I have to make him the man that he can be.
That is an art.
And this is what I have been taught about art.
Art is when you’re doing a painting for a client.
You don’t try to paint a perfect picture of what the client wants; you just paint him as best as you can so that you get what you’re trying to get.
That’s what I will be doing for my husband, and I have to keep it up because, to place blame on my husband, I have to remember what he wants out of a relationship.
That, my friend, is the art.
My husband blames me for his unhappiness. Is it normal?
The allusive point I am trying to make is that placing blame means drawing an incomplete portrait.
This is similar to, let’s say, painting a foot on a man’s barefoot that is not prepared for such an event.
For establishing a complete picture, there is an art to it; there is wisdom in it.
That art can be applied to me, it can be used to my husband, it can be applied to any husband, spouse.
One last point.
To blame can be fatal to a marriage.
Just as the blister on my foot can be deadly.
If I can choose to paint a foot on the man I know has feet, instead of painting a blister on his barefoot, it can save my marriage.
Disclaimers. All photos were used from the “Captiva Collection,” People (1) and Romance, Wedding, Pregnancy by David Watson. The featured image comes from Canva. The vectors and illustrations on this page are from Pixabay, authors Clker-Free-Vector-Images, and OpenClipart-Vectors; a great thanks to everyone!
PS. Please, observe that English is not my first language. If it “sounds” a little bit weird, please excuse my skills. I sincerely hope that my post – My Husband Blames Me For HIS Unhappiness. What To Do? – was pretty useful.
Thank you for your interest! I hope you’ll read more of my exciting articles in this blog.