Is Your Marriage Falling Apart & You Don’t Know How To Fix It?
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This article is about serious problems that might arise in a marriage. Sometimes, people choose a painful separation. But not always without putting out a fight as they have learned about how to fix a marriage that is falling apart and wish to apply this knowledge.
I want to address two cases of two married women where I firmly believe I’ve pinpointed a possible way out.
You need to avoid going as far as video courses or marriage quizzes, or any other fancy and expensive stuff.
How to Improve Your Marriage – The Importance of Talking About Your Problems
The first case is a wife complaining that his husband has profoundly changed (by the way, don’t do they all?). However, the major problem here consists in the fact that what he does now would be somehow unacceptable to his wife.
She cannot stand this new reality.
And so she is desperately asking:
“He doesn’t do any of the things that he used to do when we were dating and making it so that I have to pick between the two. This is becoming a big problem in our marriage, and he’s not doing anything about it. It’s really starting to bother me. We are having severe problems. How can I fix this and get back what I have now?”
Wow…
This is really difficult for me to offer advice because I can understand wanting to make your husband feel how important he is to you.
But, you have to think long and hard about what you want to do here.
Because I know firsthand that trying to overcompensate when you have a rocky, not at all rosy marriage can make you look like an insubordinate child.
You might look like that kind of child who disagrees with his parents’ decisions and wants to do things on his own.
That could get you into even more disturbance than you already are in.
And it can make your husband even more reluctant to talk to you about your marriage.
It can make him more likely to take his displeasure with you so far that he doesn’t return to you again for fear of what will happen if he does.
But, you have to ask yourself if what you want to do will do more harm than good.
Because you are trying to do something that may well hurt both of you if you succeed.
But, if you genuinely want to make your husband see how important he is to you, you have to take a deep hard look at what may be bothering him.
How to fix a marriage that is falling apart.
I would suggest something like:
- When you first started seeing each other, you would have had to work really hard to get him to show you that much of what he wanted to do was going out. But, now that you are married, the thing that both of you enjoy doing together is sharing your interests. Your marriage is more fulfilling because you two go out together to see movies, attend events and enjoy the finer things of life.
- Even though you would enjoy seeing your husband happy, you have decided to prioritize your lives and your marriage. You don’t think you can get him to show you even half of what he wants to do anymore. Why? Because you are doing it for you and not for him.
- You are refusing to consider that your marriage has to have boundaries and have limits set by both of you. You have set your marriage up to get the best of both of you.
You have set your own happiness aside.
I don’t mean to make this sound as if your marriage is suffering or falling apart because you have set your own happiness aside.
I’m not even suggesting that.
What I am suggesting is that the two of you are in this marriage for the wrong reasons.
Your wedlock is suffering because you have set it up to provide both of you with what you really want.
The two of you are just hanging on because you want to keep the peace and try and make things work and see your marriage through to the other side.
This isn’t fair to anyone, especially your husband.
It’s unfair to you if you are thinking you were the only one worrying about how to fix a marriage that is falling apart.
And it’s unfair to your marriage (you could have this; read the article).
It’s unfair to your marriage.
The only way that I can think of changing this is to take responsibility for your own happiness and begin to look at your marriage with fresh eyes.
To start with, you have to figure out what you want from your marriage.
For example, you might say that you want to go on a road trip.
But, when you get on the road, you find that the things you really long for are the seats back, a nice hot shower, and good food.
A trip might be an excellent way to get back into the romantic mood.
Try to put yourself in the place of your husband.
How do you think he would think if you told him that you didn’t want to spend time with him anymore because you don’t believe you are getting what you want from the marriage?
How would he feel?
And then tell him that you want to spend more time with him because you are tired of waiting.
That’s good (if you’re interested in reading more on how to work on your marriage, here’s another blog post of mine; I hope it will be of interest).
Because you might have been putting off having fun with your husband out of a desire to keep the peace and to try and “work things out” and to keep from hurting his feelings (an interesting blog post of mine on that spectacular matter is here; click the link; let me tell you that everything seems to be about effective communication).
Let him know that the fun times that you had before are not what you want anymore.
You want more of them (read more on this exciting matter: how do you fix a marriage that is falling apart).
And you want to begin enjoying them now.
So how do you start to enjoy the fun times?
Well, it is all up to you and how you want to turn this around (if you’re interested in reading more about saving your marriage and nurturing it, click the link).
How do you want to turn this around?
First, you could begin by accepting the fact that you were wrong.
No, it does not mean that you are necessarily right.
There is no way that you are necessarily right.
Accepting the fact that you were wrong is an excellent first step because it is a part of growing.
It shows you are mature enough to grow and recognize that you probably weren’t always right.
Instead of holding yourself back, you are moving forward and accepting the fact that you may have been wrong many times.
It doesn’t mean that you are accepting the fact that you have been unfair.
It just means that you recognize that there probably was some truth in your statements that you found troubling or disturbing.
You have to be mature enough to realize that you were wrong in some statements.
And you have to make the first move of working towards trying to fix your issues instead of holding on to your issues (an interesting article here).
And that may mean that you have to give in a little in some cases.
The next step is to decide that things are going to change.
Of course, you need to figure out how you will change or improve upon your own situation.
But the idea is to figure out how you are going to use the information you have to help other people.
It is so vital that you decide that you want to help others.
Of course, you will want to work on your own situation before getting some kind of a broken marriage, but this can get overwhelming.
The idea is to figure out how you can use the information you have to show someone else how to improve their situation.
Now, you may need to take small steps.
You may need to suggest the idea of a licensed clinical social counseling session. Or to a marriage counselor; think about it!
Or, you may need to give a small amount of money to help someone else.
You may need to do things that just let you know that you are a part of something.
Share this information with others.
And finally, you will want to figure out how you will share this information with others.
This is where it can get tricky.
If you are feeling defensive or unsure, you may want to keep this to yourself.
You may figure out that you need some space and time to work on your own problems.
You may need to figure out that you need a few close friends you can regularly talk to.
You may need to take a small break from your work, friends, and relationship to really take a good look at yourself and see how you can improve.
You may need to figure out that you need some professional guidance.
You may need to find a therapist or find yourself a coach.
This is not easy.
But, as you figure out how you will use the information you have, it will be worth every penny.
Marriage Counseling – Don’t Assume That All Your Marriage Counselling Will Help You Get Back Together
The second wife’s complaint is, in my humble opinion, somehow more straightforward to solve.
These are her attitude and dissatisfactions:
–>> “I don’t want to impose on my husband, but I know that this is hard for him and not a good idea.
Marriage counseling (or visits to a family therapist) is becoming less and less a good idea as time goes on, and I can be independent more and more.
He complains that he doesn’t want to live with a housewife.
He never talks about making me feel like I’m a prisoner in my own home.
He rarely discusses sex.
I hate these sexless marriages that lack intimacy.
I was looking for a way to get him to want to have sex.
I have tried this before, but it didn’t seem to work.
Sometimes I wonder if I’m asking too much of him.
He doesn’t like this.
I want to know that he wants to have sex.
He hasn’t been making any overtures.
But lately, I’ve been thinking he doesn’t know how to come to terms with the fact that I am independent.
He talks about having to change his life.
Maybe I’m making him so uncomfortable that he’s afraid that I won’t continue to be autonomous.
I wish I could make him want to have sex with me.
I am open to it, but I fear it may not work.
I’m just not sure if this is a good idea.
“Do I have to make him want to have sex with me to make him want to have sex? How should I approach him about this? He hasn’t been forthcoming.”
He doesn’t talk about any of this, but I know that his feelings hurt him most.
It’s becoming less and less a good idea as time goes on.
I think he’d have been okay with me moving out and staying with my mom, but I haven’t done that yet because he’s been asking me not to.
I know that he wants to keep me.
But I can’t help but wonder if he feels that I’m making a sacrifice or a mistake or a liability.
And I know that he doesn’t like that I’ve been more independent than he ever wanted me to be.
How can I get him to see that he’s the one who has the problem and not me?
How to fix a marriage that is falling apart?
Because I don’t want to make a mistake that would be so harmful to us.”
Excellent job of presenting yourself and your feelings, desires, and needs.
I believe that you have to do an excellent job of presenting yourself and your feelings, desires, and needs.
I’m confident that you think that your husband wants to have sex and would like to have it with you, but he isn’t saying it.
He isn’t saying it.
And, you can’t expect him to say it when he’s in the mood or when he is physically aroused.
So, it would help if you got around these things by making yourself appear more attractive and desirable.
You can then present yourself as the loving, happy, and adventurous wife who is ready to give up her freedom and sleep in the guest room for a change to give her husband the intimacy he needs.
This scenario might seem like a desperate strategy, but it is based on truth.
Most husbands want to have sex, but they aren’t getting it with their current wives.
Many of them would like it, but their wives prevent them from getting it.
It is a HUGE problem.
Most men don’t talk about or discuss sex much with their girlfriends.
Sex is one of the reasons why they get embarrassed when their girlfriends make them talk about it.
If your husband could talk about sex, he would undoubtedly talk about wanting it and finding it enjoyable but not getting it from you.
He would also speak about liking you, finding you attractive and sexy, and not getting any satisfaction from you.
This reality could very well be the reason why he hasn’t asked you for sex in a while.
I understand that you might fear that you might lose him, but the fear isn’t entirely warranted.
I know that it hurts, but you must act quickly to change things.
You must show your husband that his perception is wrong.
You must show him the woman he desires is alive and well and waiting to be his but doesn’t have sex with him for some weird reason.
It’s not difficult, but it is time-consuming.
And, it’s necessary to show your husband that his perception is wrong so that he can change it.
Some tips to make him change:
I can understand how you feel.
Here are some tips to show him you aren’t as difficult as he thought you were.
Show him his perception is wrong.
Call him on his misconceptions.
As an ex-wife, I know what hurts the most.
You are considered an easy woman, but that’s not true.
You have to take on the man who rejected you, work for his approval, and show him the woman he desires is around.
Don’t sit back and believe that men don’t have basic needs.
If men do, they won’t become angry and depressed.
Your perception is so important because it determines how you are seen.
If men don’t have this perception, they won’t think of you as the woman they want.
Use humor to help him understand that you are very sensitive.
Could you not laugh at his pain?
Use humor to make him laugh instead of feeling sympathy (if you have visited any pre-marriage courses, you should know it).
If he is angry and can make you laugh, it will be easier for you to laugh at his anger, and it will be easier for him to laugh at you.
Let’s examine the same scenario with the addition of one change in our “how to fix a marriage that is falling apart” plot.
What if your partner doesn’t find you attractive?
What if he sees you “too quiet”?
Do you think he will be able to change his perceptions?
No, he will only change his perceptions when he starts talking about it.
In the beginning, he needs to take small steps until you tell him that he is wrong.
The second step is problematic because it involves coming face to face with you and having a confrontation.
Without this step, he cannot think of you as attractive.
If this continues, he will begin to think of you as unattractive until another woman would tell him that he is wrong and that his perceptions are false.
This scenario will be the case whether you have children or not.
In the latter case, there is a tendency for the wife to become very depressed about the situation.
She might think that her husband is so unhappy and depressed that he would choose to have a divorce rather than settle down.
This is why the children suffer if the wife is depressed because they are also affected by this process.
Children who suffer from the perception of unhappiness will tend to withdraw from you and don’t want to be around you.
On the other hand, children who suffer from the perception of sadness will delight in their parents’ pain.
When we have children, we are affected by their perception of unhappiness as well.
If they are suffering from the perception that the parents are “unhappy,” they will be angry if you try to calm them down.
Therefore, they will try to cheer their parents up.
They will want to do everything they can to cheer their parents up.
Although this might be difficult, you need to give them support instead of criticizing them when they have bad days.
If the situation is complex, it isn’t straightforward for the children to perceive the reality of the problem (it might even impede their future mental health).
Therefore, it is essential to teach them to perceive reality correctly.
Short story of a toddler.
You might have heard a story about a couple who had a son.
After he turned one year old, he started to look at his mother to perceive that she was unhappy.
The wife approached the groom’s mother with the question, “Is your son unhappy with you?”
The mother replied, “No, my son only sees the outside world with me.”
The wife replied, “You fool! Your son sees the entire truth.”
Maria Simmons
Disclaimers. All photos were used from the “Captiva Collection,” People (1) and Romance, Wedding, Pregnancy by David Watson. The featured image comes from Canva; the Instagram quotes are from the Quote Collection by the same author; a great thanks to everyone for their excellent work!
PS. Please, observe that English is not my first language. If it “sounds” a little bit weird, please excuse my skills. I sincerely hope that my blog post – How To Fix A Marriage That Is Falling Apart. INTIMACY Maybe? – was helpful.
Thank you for your interest! I hope you’ll read more of my exciting blog posts in this blog.
