In an affair, the standard rules of relationships don’t apply. That’s why you need to know how to confront a cheating spouse.
You know that if things go wrong, you can leave.
But if things go well, you get what you want.
You’re addicted to being understood, but you’re seeking that acceptance in the wrong spot.
Try using long and thorough conversations with your cheating partner.
Approach each follow-up conversation with the same calm and inquisitive attitude you used for the main confrontation on cheating.
I Want My Husband Back But Am Worried About His Motivation.
Table of Contents
The affair’s secretive nature lends itself to be surprisingly open and forthcoming with the affair partner because there is little risk.
Just like any addiction, breaking the habit is complex, and you will experience withdrawal.
There is a void in your life. Something has been taken away from you.
Sometimes it is hard to explain; other times, it’s pretty apparent.
You’re still the same person you were before.
You’re still the loving, caring, trusting, unique person you were yesterday.
You’re addicted to that acceptance.
But it’s an acceptance of your spouse’s deception, not yours.
It is an acceptance of your spouses’ feelings, not your own.
And because of this, your relationship isn’t going to restore.
It is going to remain stuck in the past.
And every day, you’re faced with the risk of another betrayal.
No one can make you decide that you’re going to choose your relationship and your spouse over the other person.
But you can choose not to commit to your spouse, not to accept your relationship, and certainly not to allow another person to step into your relationship and your life.
And even if you do choose to commit to your spouse, you can decide that you are not going to put up with deception and that you want that acceptance and those feelings again.
The trick lies in deciding that you can live with that risk.
It lies in concluding that you can be open and honest about your feelings and willing to show and let them come from you.
It lies in determining that you don’t need those feelings because you are not ready to give them up.
It is often said that one must be ready to lose themselves to win their relationship.
The trick is to get to the point where you can be happy without being transparent.
But being honest about your feelings is the first step toward getting there.
Sometimes, ending an affair may be nasty. Therefore, you need to learn the art of ending liaisons. More on this fascinating matter here; click the link.
If you don’t want your spouse to have that feeling, then you can’t give it to him.
If you’re going to give your relationship to your spouse, you can’t give it to him.
There is no conceivable way that he can get that feeling if you are refusing to share it.
It becomes a matter of personal ethics.
If you want your relationship, you have to be willing to share it.
If you don’t, you run the risk of your own selfishness taking over the relationship.
And ultimately, that’s selfishness. And not trustworthy.
More on ‘how to confront a suspected cheating husband…’.
I often hear comments like:
“my husband cheated on me. And while I do want to save our marriage, I’m just not ready to forgive him. So I will just pretend that I am.
He’s trying to pretend that he’s sorry, but he isn’t really sorry. He’s just sorry that he got caught.
But it’s not going to be long now before he’s going to be really sorry. So I’m just not going to care.”
And then, it goes on and on like that:
“And I’m OK with that. Because I don’t know that I’m ever really going to trust him again. I guess what I’m trying to say is that I’m OK with being dishonest and just living with this relationship for now.
But if I don’t know that I’m ever going to feel this way, then I’m willing to walk away if that is what it is going to take. Because I know that he is never going to fully feel sincere regret. He is always going to think that he did wrong.
And then he’s never going to feel remorse or guilt. So I just don’t know that I’m ever going to feel this way. I’m just willing to perform the long game here.”
This isn’t uncommon.
I often hear comments like this.
And frankly, I’ve said the same thing in the past.
I didn’t know what I would do when the affair became public knowledge and the affair ended.
Because both of us knew that we could never erase the liaison from our minds.
And I didn’t know if I would ever feel the same about him again.
We didn’t even know if the relationship was ever going to recover. But I decided that I was willing to give him another chance.
And I didn’t think this was selfish because my marriage was my top priority.
And I do believe that it is being kind to give yourself the time to sort out your emotions.
And to get your ducks in a row and start the process of healing.
I’m not sure that there is anything incorrect with this.
Because even if you are very clear that you are never going to trust him again, this is something that you deserve.
When I have found out that my boyfriend cheated on me with his ex, I was pretty mad. Was it my fault? If you’re curious about finding out how to react to these matters, click the link.
I’m not sure that there is anything wrong with making a conscious decision that you are going to wait and see what he is going to do.
Because there is nothing wrong with waiting and seeing that he is remorseful, rehabilitated, and trustworthy.
If you can’t see this, it is best to leave. I guess your call.
But to answer the question posed, there is nothing wrong with being kind and understanding to yourself and him.
But there is nothing wrong with letting him know that you will wait and see what he does.
Otherwise, you will be lied to and played around with. And this is something that you are not interested in.
But in reality, you can’t always read the signals.
And sometimes, you have to decide who you are going to be truthful to because he will be honest to you.
Because the lies come from a broken heart and a broken home.
I know that it’s hard to believe that he will be truthful to you, but he will be if you let him know how much you value your marriage and your family.
How to confront a cheating spouse? I don’t know how much time you gave yourself to work through this.
But when your marriage has gone this long with one person, it will take some time to get back together.
And healing yourself is part of that.
Because if you don’t heal, you can’t recover the marriage.
But if you heal, then you have a foundation to build on.
And building this on will take time and patience.
And, sometimes, you have to look deep within to see that you aren’t interested in just moving on because you want your marriage to work.
You want to give your broken marriage a chance to make things right.
You don’t want to just move on because you feel that you are being deceived. This doesn’t imply that you will do anything that might convince him that he made a mistake.
But it might mean that you want to give him some time to think things through and see if he wants to make things right.
And, if he does want to make things right, then this will give you the time to convince him that this is a good idea without worrying about whether he wants to be with you or not.
You don’t want to be under any circumstances fearful that he won’t leave you.
You want to allow him to change his mind.
You don’t want to rush yourself or worry about what he will do or who he will be with.
And, you want to give yourself the time to heal because if you rush yourself, you will never get past what you are going through, and you will not be able to see clearly enough to make a wise decision.
The point of view of the cheating partner
This may sound like the worst thing that could happen, but it is not.
It does not imply that you have to end your affair right away.
Is there a real problem when your partner keeps his or her cheating heart away?
It only means that you have to look deeply into yourself and determine what you can do to save your marriage.
Your affair has already hurt your spouse.
There is a chance that they are more broken than you are.
You can do something to heal the wounds that you have inflicted upon your spouse.
What can you do to check yourself from drifting even deeper into the affair?
There is a lot you can do to heal the wounds.
One of the quickest ways to heal the wounds is to look deep within yourself and learn to tolerate the feelings of guilt, shame, and resentment that you are experiencing.
Do not try to suppress them, but learn to accept them.
You may think it’s impossible to get yourself to tolerate these feelings.
That is too narrow a view of yourself. Even as you are in the throes of the affair, you can still be sensitive and good.
You can still be good, sensitive, and accommodating.
But you will find that you are drawn to do good, sensitive, and accommodating things, just as you are drawn to be good, sensitive, and forgiving to your spouse.
If you cannot do this or cannot be good, sensitive, and forgiving, you cannot be committed to your marriage and save your marriage.
When I tell people this, they tell me that it’s unrealistic and too simplistic.
In their own mind, they believe that the affair is over once the liaison is found out.
But, this is unrealistic. In their own mind, they think that their spouse is worthy of trust and forgiveness, but you believe that your affair is never over.
And that your romance is never over because your spouse cannot be trusted to be good.
How do you know that the affair is never over?
Well, you can’t really know that. Because as painful as the affair is, and as sad as your spouse is feeling, ultimately, the only one who is in control of his or her feelings is the person who is actually engaged in the affair.
Do you want to have an affair with a married man? Think about the possible and obvious consequences. If you are interested in this matter, read on clicking the link in this paragraph.
Your spouse cannot actually feel that pain. But you can.
And you can keep telling yourself that your spouse has made a choice to be unfaithful and that you can be good while knowing that, deep within your heart, you are wounded.
And will permanently be wounded.
It may be hard for you to convince yourself that the affair is never over.
That may be impossible for some.
It may bother some of you to accept that the damage is permanent and that you will always be marked by the affair.
You may think that if you could somehow make your spouse feel sorry for what he did, you would not be marked by it.
But, you are not a part of the affair and not your spouse. So, your marking is not theirs.
The truth is that it is not your choice to decide if the affair is ever over.
Neither is your spouse’s. But the only way to actually make it clear that this is your choice and that you are making it is to decide and define it clearly.
No matter how much you or your spouse try, you cannot just make the affair go away so that you don’t have to keep throwing it into the air.
If you want the liaison to be over, you must define that the affair is over.
And this can only be done by making clear what the affair is no longer about.
Do you know that there is no meaning to the affair except what you decide for it to mean?
Once you decide that the affair is over, then you have defined what is and what is not acceptable behavior.
And it is these definitions that must be adhered to, or the marriage will not be saved.
Because it doesn’t matter what your spouse does – that behavior will always be about your spouse, these behaviors are about your spouse’s failings and not yours.
So, once you define what the affair is, you can determine what the marriage is not. Once you have done this, you are both free to live your lives and to move forward with your lives even though there may be some work to do and areas of healing to go.
You can begin to look at your behavior and decide what you want to do about it.
So in truth, it really is all about you and your definition of what the affair is.
Because once you decide what the affair is, you can clarify what is and what is not acceptable behavior.
And it would be best if you did not have to feel like you are second best because you define what the affair is and what is not permitted.
After He Cheats – How to Give Your Husband His Best Life Back
However, as soon as married men start to share intimate details about their marriage, they realize they are giving sensitive information.
Details they do not want to hear.
They should realize that what they say around you could be perceived as mere flattery and could also lead to jealousy and disrespect.
You should not take it easy, but you should not be blinded by the excitement of a new relationship that will last longer than their marriage.
But, if the married man can maintain his focus on his marriage and never gives too much importance to his new friend, he could be able to create a new identity for himself with this new woman that might even last long term.
Let’s assume you have been married for some time. In that case, it is natural that you will feel resentment when you learn about this new relationship your husband has with another woman.
Do you confront your cheating husband when you are financially dependent on him, knowing that he is more likely to leave you than the other woman?
You might also feel hurt when you know about the things he is doing with her.
But, if your husband realizes that this is not how you want for him to act, then he could find comfort and a new sense of freedom with this woman. He could make a decision that the two of them are not going to talk about the details of your marriage.
You will still be able to check in on him from time to time, but that should not be as often as you are doing right now. He should avoid those who have a similar attitude to him, avoid creating any vulnerabilities, and invite you (more on vulnerabilities, an affair partner, a relationship expert, a cheating partner, etc. here and here; click the links, and they will open new windows in your pre-existing browser).
It would be best to try not to make it as difficult as possible to leave the relationship.
You will also need to try to do something about this because resentment can build up.
Your spouse may start to feel like he has to break away from you, which can tear apart your marriage. You should take every move you can to make sure that he is never tempted to give in to this.
If you have nowhere to go and you know your husband is cheating, do you confront him or just keep quiet until you figure something out?
The best-case scenario is that he realizes the mistake he has made and makes an effort to work to get back into your arms, and then both of you go back to the way you were.
There is no doubt that it is difficult for you to watch what is going on with your husband. He has already lied to you, betrayed you, and made a decision to go outside of your marriage for attention.
You are not sure how much longer you can take this, and this is where you need to be empathetic and take steps to ease your mind and hopefully reduce the pain.
How to confront a suspected cheating husband. How to deal with a cheating husband spiritually.
You are also likely feeling anger and resentment, but sometimes you also need to channel these feelings into something positive.
Write a letter to your husband.
Tell him how sorry you are for what ensued. Tell him that you will do whatever he needs to do to help him heal.
You may want to sit him down and tell him that you want to save your marriage.
Tell him that you want to keep your matrimony but that it will take a lot of work from him.
Tell him that you do not want him to take this lying down.
You can tell him to keep going to counseling.
This can help you move forward, but he also needs to keep doing what he needs to heal. Do not let him give up on the marriage because of his anger and resentments.
You can help him move forward by providing those things that he needs and allowing him to let go of the irritation and resentment so that he can move forward (learn more about leading a great conversation with your husband about life and marriage here).
As soon as you identify the things that he needs, you can be patient as he provides those things.
These are some ideas, but they are not the only ones that can work for you.
You will need to decide what you can live with, what you can’t live with, and what you want to do moving forward. You might feel like you can’t live without your spouse, but do not rush into that decision.
It is better to wait and see what happens than to do something that might not turn out well. It also helps to keep moving forward even when you are still angry.
When you feel anger, you want to put more effort into preventing your irritation from turning into action.
How to confront a cheating spouse? It’s up to you…
Confronting an unfaithful husband isn’t very easy, and no amount of preparation will make it so.
But if you follow this confrontation design, you’ll have the ability to have productive conversations with him.
And also, the info you receive from the discussions will undoubtedly assist you in making an excellent choice concerning how you want to move on …
In the end, it is up to you, but you will need to identify the issues that you want to work on. As soon as you can, do not hide the things you need from your spouse because you will eventually need those things to give him his best life back.
As soon as he can give you his best life around, you can start living with the things you need.
Then you can move on to the things that are painful or that make you angry.
After giving you his best life back, you can start living with the things you don’t want.
At this point, you can start taking him back and living your life with him, even if he is angry.
Should I divorce my husband after 40 years of lying and cheating?
I am urging you to look at exactly how to take care of this issue in an uplifting manner so that no matter what occurs, you can be a lot more approving of the experience.
Keep in mind that it’s not the issue that’s the concern; it’s precisely how we handle the problem’s fears.
We are done in finding out just how to utilize whatever for our upliftment, development, and growth.
Frequently Asked Questions
The wife might be asking how to confront a cheating spouse with evidence? After her husband exposed their affair, but with no actual proof that he has really been unfaithful. She felt he might be hiding something. She was terrified that she might lose him, and she was confused and angry. Now she was facing a situation where she wanted to be loyal. She was unwilling to lie, deny or make excuses to prove her unquestionable loyalty to this guy. She felt her husband was a friend and her brother.
Most marriages have some amount of cheating. Whether the affair is an occasional fling or the predominant pattern in a relationship depends on the personality and background of the couple.
You are not the only one handling such a problem, and finding a solution is not difficult. Before doing anything, I would suggest you calm down and be rational. Think of the consequences that will follow from raising this issue:
– Your husband might become more distant, and he might forget about everything that has happened between you.
– You might be made to feel incredibly guilty, and you might think that you are just following the law.
– Your husband might be already be planning your divorce, or he might already have enough reason to file for it.
There are so many issues going on in a marriage. Your husband can have several reasons as to why he will say different things at different times. A man can be under stress. He may be feeling unappreciated or simply trying to lighten the mood by telling you he did something different.
I don’t know you. I don’t know your life. I don’t know the struggles you have gone through. I don’t know your problems. I don’t know your strength. And, I don’t know your weakness. All I know is what happened between you and your husband. And one more thing. Be extremely careful when sharing your email address. You never know what could happen… I’ve seen numerous and painful cases. Avoid awkward situations and conversations!
PS. Thank you so much for being so interested! Please, consider my words and advice as a personal opinion. I am no guru, and, unfortunately, I cannot guarantee happiness (in wealth or marriage, whatever situation; sincerely hoping that your husband or wife will not show any signs interpreted as a divorce premonition or nastier revenge, again; if your problems focus on cheating, read this fascinating contribution).
I hope you have enjoyed reading my blog post entitled ‘How To Confront A Cheating Spouse. (Forbidden) Things.’