How to save a marriage when only one is trying
Table of Contents
How to fix a broken marriage alone? Is it worth fixing? How to save a marriage when only one is trying?
These sorts of questions come out frequently on forums or blogs as the divorce rate seems to grow continually.
In this blog post, I’ll try to write answers to the problems a few couples encountered during their marriage.
Actually, it is essential to know that it would be wrong to write about fixing broken marriages.
In real life, there are no general tips for marriages saved by one alone spouse.
There is no such thing as a person to fix a broken marriage alone…
Every couple has its peculiarities, and if such serious problems arise, the solution has to be adapted to particular couples, to specific people.
It is like in medical research; there are no diseases, only ill people (by the way, please, take my words as mere opinions, my advice could work or not as I am no more “specialist” in this area as any other person).
How to fix a broken marriage alone – The Answer You’ve Been Waiting For
- Don’t try to fix everything together.
- You need to check in with each other.
- Give each other space.
- Be open to hearing out your spouse and trying to fix your problems together.
This is probably the crucial tip for changing your marriage.
For example, during your marital problems (feeling that your marriage is falling apart), maybe you both feel the other is ignoring you.
Your spouse may think that you are selfish.
Don’t do anything about it (maybe you areout of your communication skills; read this blog post on hidden ways to improve your marriage communication).
Don’t say that it is not true.
This is not the place for that.
Instead, talk about ways to support each other if you are not merely thinking of a ‘how to fix a broken marriage alone’ solution to your problems.
How to get even.
What you can each do to help the other.
Another example: maybe you both feel like you can not do anything right.
Your spouse may feel you are not interested.
Don’t attack each other here either.
Just try to figure out multiple ways to support each other.
Maybe the problem is that neither of you pays attention to the needs of the other.
This happens to every couple.
Do NOT criticize your marriage.
This is to encourage you to work on it together (read more on cheating boyfriend wanting to come back clicking this link)
It is so easy to just be selfish at this point.
Don’t be short-tempered about this either.
Talk about how you can make the other see how important they are to you.
Talk about what you can do to show them.
You can be the one to turn this thing around if you’re applying the ‘How to fix a broken marriage alone’ technique.
If you want to take the first step to change your marriage, try this:
- Talk with your spouse respectfully and calmly.
- Remember why you married this person.
- Don’t get your feelings hurt.
- Try to figure out what went so awfully wrong so you can avoid doing them again.
- Remember why you wanted to be married and why you wanted to spend the rest of your life with this person.
You need to be able to handle the problems calmly and rationally.
If your spouse is unwilling to do this, you need to understand that your marriage is worth more than petty feelings.
Turn the tide…
- Set up a date. Don’t allow other obligations to squeeze you into a rushed schedule. Instead, keep your phone off. And make sure that you have time to get together after work, on the weekends, for special occasions like your anniversary. The most crucial moment of your life is the appointment you set. The second most important is the date your spouse sets. And the third most important is the moment that is set by both of you. Don’t get married until you both have set dates.
- Plan a vacation. If you don’t have a date, get married. It would help if you had both of you on board. The rest of the world’s business will have to wait. If you have a date, go on that date.
- Talk about issues. We can’t forget that this is a lifetime commitment. If you can’t plan a vacation, at least talk about it. A significant issue for a large number of couples is no longer talking about their important problems. No more talking! The problem is this: when difficulties surface, it is tough to resolve them without the presence of both of you. One person often doesn’t want to discuss it, while others feel it is a sign of weakness. It is not. Please do not wait for issues to surface before you discuss them. The longer you wait, the bigger the matter will be. Your marriage will suffer.
- Do not leave issues in the past. You may have started dealing with a problem when it first appeared, but it is still in the past. Talk about it now. The sooner you talk about it, the better. The more you talk about it, the more you will be able to work it out. There is no better method to get advice than to discuss your marriage with your spouse. You may find that the advice you receive will be precisely what you need to resolve the issue.
- Learn to forgive. Sometimes we are full of resentment because our spouse has hurt us in the past. We hold on to the pain, thinking the hurt will never end. But forgiveness does not mean forgetting. If you choose to forgive, you can have a better marriage.
- If you decide to hold on to the hurt, you will suffer. The act of forgiving is like pouring water over a dry, rotting branch. It allows the new, fresh, healthy branch to grow. It will be stronger.
- Do not dwell on the past. In many marriages, the partners have created a history of each other’s shortcomings and failures. This is unhealthy. Let go of the past and start building a unique record together. Think of your marriage as a new home. It would help if you created a unique “floor plan” together. There must be a central courtyard where we can all gather.
- Do not compare. Do not see your spouse as better than you. It would help if you learned to compare less. The key is to reach more on things you both have in common. Things you have in common are much more effective than comparing less on things you do not have in common (more interesting stuff here).
- Learn to listen. It can take ages to figure out how to listen correctly. You must learn to be present. You must know to show interest. All of these will eventually lead to how to hear correctly. If you are listening correctly, you will automatically listen more. In other words, you will be in the present and not caught up in the past.
You have to do it!
Now that you know how to save your marriage, you have to do it.
It is an enormous task, but you do the right thing if you want to keep your conjugality.
A lot of people are saved from divorce without their marriage doctor.
There are many books available, but you must read these books carefully.
They can help you tremendously.
They can give you advice on what to do and say and how to behave.
The best part is, the book does not have to be expensive, they are free.
Be smart, be aware, and do not wait until it is too late.
You have a lot of catching up to do.
Do not ever let a day go by where you are not attentive and present.
There is no better feeling than being near and then responding to your spouse in the way they would prefer.
It will remind you of the past, of all those things that you have missed.
This is the best feeling in the world.
It is the best way to live.
How to Save Your Marriage – Make This Work
An interesting article online on the topic of fixing a broken marriage alone, by yourself, could be read here; let’s read a larger quote of this fascinating article:
“It is possible to change your relationship if you are the only one that wants to. Even if your spouse is thoroughly checked out, unplugged, and doesn’t seem to give a damn about trying to save your marriage. Its been shown over and over that one person can change a marriage alone. The mess you’re in is not all your fault. And no one is suggesting that it’s all your responsibility to fix. Ultimately you’ll both have to show up differently to be a happy and secure couple. The point is, someone has to be the first one to start the change that you want. You can start a positive chain reaction by being the first one to do a few things differently.”
The first thing you need to do is give your spouse a clear vision of what you want in your relationship.
Speak about it.
And this is vital; make sure they understand.
Is this clear enough for them?
Or is it maybe unclear to them?
Sometimes it is (if you’re dealing with the “not happy with marriage” phenomenon, it would be helpful to read this article; simply click the link).
Sometimes your spouse simply doesn’t get it. How to save my marriage when she doesn’t want to.
If this is the case, don’t worry, you can make it clearer to them later.
You can always change your plan.
But you can not plan how your spouse will respond to your project.
If they aren’t ready to hear this plan, don’t waste your time; tell them. Tell them you will come back later with some changes that are a little more clear.
The point is, you can not plan how your spouse will respond to your plan.
How to save your marriage when you feel hopeless.
Now, it doesn’t mean that you have to make the change yourself (for more, read this blog post about how to work efficiently on your marriage; click the link to read; or maybe this other blog post).
But if you have a different plan, you can add your ideas to make your project better.
Your spouse would know that you still care about this.
And it will show that you are capable of changing your plan when the time calls for that.
This is extremely important; if you don’t do this, your spouse will think you can not change and are only reacting to pressure.
How to change me to save my marriage.
But you can.
Your spouse knows that you have the capability of changing.
And you are showing them that.
That is all they need to know.
But first, you will want to talk about why they didn’t want to try this change.
You can talk about the fact that you both care about the relationship, but you have to remember to keep things calm.
This means that you need to talk about your personal feelings.
Make sure that you listen to your spouse and let them talk about how they see the situation.
But make sure that you do not interrupt.
Can you really save a marriage if only one wants to?
If you do this, you will find that your spouse can not get the right words to explain the true feelings and what they really want.
They will be frustrated and even hurt.
How long should you try to save your marriage?
The solution to this is simple.
If your spouse wants space or time to think, then allow them this time to do so.
The problem arises when you negatively do this.
If you interrupt or start questioning negatively, you will show that they are not willing to change for you.
And this is the worst thing you can do.
Your spouse will know that you are not ready to change.
That is the last thing you want.
The best thing is to listen.
Do not argue.
That is the best solution.
The best way to solve this is to be willing to change.
This is not a solution that is going to work overnight.
But you do need to be ready to make the changes necessary.
If you make this work, you will need to be willing to change (more on vicious spouse blaming you for anything here).
The sooner, the better.
Do not try to do everything on your own.
You are going to need the help of someone.
The best person that you can possibly work with is a friend.
Find a good friend of yours, a person that you trust.
Let them know that you are trying to make this work.
They need to know that you will be patient and do not want them to be hurt.
You will do anything to get you both back together.
Then you can focus on the relationship.
They will be on board.
You have a good friend to lean on (this article might be quite interesting for you to read as well, and this Quora thread as well – in Quora, you could always find interesting things to think about).
How to fix a broken marriage alone
So the first thing that you do is decide what the issue is.
And then set up the time that you can talk.
In some cases, just the two of you are talking about the subject; you might need your spouse to sit down and discuss with you.
Whatever the case may be, the thing that you need to do is to agree that the issue is there and discuss it.
You must agree on the exact time.
It may be good to set the time, then both of you go to the appointed time and sit down and talk about the issue.
And keep the conversation going.
It may not work if you have to sit down and discuss the problems all at once.
But if you can try to do it piece by piece, this would work.
How to Improve Your Marriage – The Simple Things You Can Do
If you have to do it in a rush, don’t be discouraged.
There are many ways to start a fruitful conversation.
Some examples are sharing the time that you were hurt.
Or talking about the things that your spouse did to hurt you.
Or your spouse was telling you about how their spouse has hurt them.
You need to keep talking about the issue.
Sometimes, things get worse before they get better.
So keep talking about the subject; it is just the truth.
Once your conversation is finished, you can ask your spouse for their help.
Or you could check on your spouse.
But if things are still bad, you should check up on your spouse.
Maybe both of you are tired of being manipulated.
If you feel this way, be honest and open about your own behavior.
This will go a long, long way to help you figure out what your spouse needs from you.
Often we are too hurt to look at ourselves.
So we turn inwards.
But, if you are both willing to look at yourselves, you will see how much you have to work on together.
Maybe the problem is you have not been able to talk honestly about this.
This is a time for you to share your feelings with your spouse.
Do this together. Don’t keep it bottled up inside.
This will help you each other.
Then you can talk about how each of you can help the other to be more open.
Maybe you feel like this marriage is just too much to handle.
This can be an excellent time to have a “test” (this would be an excellent opportunity to test the ‘How to fix a broken marriage alone‘ problem). Try to keep a journal.
Record how you feel about your marriage right now.
Share with your spouse. It can give you perspective.
Also, it will help you to get help.
You may find that there are some issues you need to work out together.
Maybe your spouse has hurt you.
And you know that you cannot forgive.
An example, if your spouse is willing to give you a chance to forgive, this is a good time for you to decide to forgive your spouse.
Maybe you have been hurt, and you want to let people know how you feel.
This is a time for you to write a letter.
That may be a form of confession.
Write it, explain it, let them read it.
This may give you perspective.
And this can also be a time to tell your spouse how much they hurt you.
It can be different things for very different people.
There may be some similar things.
And other issues that you need to discuss.
Use the example above to help you figure out what it is that you need to talk about.
For instance, it might be hurting your relationship.
It might be more of a family issue.
An interesting topic on how to save a marriage when only one is trying is in this article:
“If you have to fight, walk and fight. In our experience, arguments stem more from being cooped up together in tight quarters than from the issue at hand. Plus, getting fresh air is good for you, and it will give you more energy. Marry someone with a backbone who appreciates that you possess one of your own.”
If you must argue with a partner, let him know that you would like to talk about the issue at hand or the idea.
A disagreement in marriage is caused because there is no communication in marriage.
Couples who keep their disturbances in check and don’t expect an argument to resolve their issues have a lot of success in their marriage.
If the topic at hand is an issue that is affecting your marriage, be honest and open about it.
There is no reason that you and your partner should keep your emotions bottled up.
If you are feeling angry about something that your spouse did, say it.
When you feel mad about something, you are not feeling anything but your anger.
Speak out if you feel anger, and let them know how you think.
Even if you both find yourselves agreeing on some things, do it without being angry.
That is a great way to communicate with your spouse and discuss a subject.
How can you let your spouse know that you are feeling some pain?
A relationship problem can be dealt with in a conversation.
If you are feeling emotional pain that is causing you to feel angry, tell your spouse.
They are probably feeling the same thing.
Ask them if they feel anything.
Then, have them tell you what it is.
Some people feel disappointed with their marriage or hurt by something that their spouse did.
Your spouse may even feel some guilt.
Or, they can even sense some gratitude for things that they did that brought you happiness.
Let them know how they made you welcome it.
You do not have to be angry all the time, nor should your spouse be.
However, there needs to be a time when you can be open with them.
If you have something that you need to say, keep it to yourself.
It is better to let them know what you want to say than to let them say it to you.
You will both feel better if you share, rather than feeling like you have to defend yourself when they are wrong.
More on the topic: ‘How to save a marriage when only one is trying’ or ‘How to fix a broken marriage alone.’
If there is something that you do not like about your spouse, let them know that it bothers you.
The more you hold in your feelings, the more you will feel negative emotions and resentment.
However, once you share your thoughts, it may make your spouse feel a little better about the situation.
There are many reasons that you and your spouse end up feeling the way that you do.
However, when you do not speak honestly about your feelings, this can lead to all sorts of problems.
For example, they might feel a little jealous or feel like you do not love them anymore.
Jealousy…
While some issues can be overcome, jealousy is not one of them.
If you are thinking about divorce, be sure, to be honest about your feelings with your spouse.
You can still save your marriage even if you are concerned about your feelings.
If you do not like how you look when you get angry, let your spouse know that it bothers you.
You do not have to tell them every single thing that is troubling you.
However, the more you let them know what is bothering you, the less you will feel upset.
Be honest with your spouse. You will both feel better…
Most importantly, be honest with your spouse.
You will both feel better if you share, rather than feeling like you have to defend yourself when they are wrong.
Do not make the mistake of assuming that you have trusted your spouse and marriage if you are talking to your spouse about your feelings.
If you are not at your best, you will not make each other feel good.
It would help if you did things that are pleasurable to you.
If you make your spouse feel good about their marriage, they will love you even more.
When you do things that are pleasurable to you, you can save your marriage.
If you need someone to talk to about your feelings, do not be afraid to accept them.
Your spouse is here to support you and make you feel better about your marriage.
Go on dates more often.
You can also improve your marriage by going on dates more often.
It does not matter if you go on a date with your spouse or date with another couple.
A date can be like a mini-vacation for the two of you.
It is a chance for you both to get away from the day-to-day stress of your lives.
Do not let work, kids, or other things get in your way.
It is a chance to relax and spend some time doing what makes you feel good.
You can do some of the things that you did when you first met and feel the happiest.
When you feel better and have been pleasuring yourself and your spouse more, you can now talk to your spouse.
Do not worry about what he or she thinks of you.
I recommend you do not try to change their opinion.
You will push them away even more.
There is nothing to gain.
Just listen and open up.
You can also begin to bring back some of the things that got you back together in the first place.
If you can make this your goal as well, you will both be happy.
Maria Simmons
Disclaimers. All photos were used from the “Captiva Collection,” People (1) and Romance, Wedding, Pregnancy by David Watson. The featured image comes from Canva; the Instagram quotes are from the Quote Collection by the same author; the images are from Pixabay, from author mohamed_Hassan; a great thanks to everyone for their excellent work!
PS. Please, observe that English is not my first language. If it “sounds” a little bit weird, please excuse my skills. I sincerely hope that my blog post – How to Save a Marriage When Only ONE Is Trying to It Fix Alone – was helpful.
Thank you for your interest! I hope you’ll read more of my exciting blog posts in this blog.
